I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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