This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
