Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
is it fun? or sober?
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