You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
