If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
