I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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