he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
