i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
