He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
