so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
