Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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