i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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