please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
