proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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