Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
