i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
