Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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