you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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