its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
