Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
