You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
