Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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