Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
