Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
