We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
