He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
