I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
