I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
