happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
my poor anus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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