There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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