So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
