Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
