Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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