At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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