I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize