I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
