While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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