WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
