It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
