i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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