Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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