Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
