we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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