when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
