I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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