P.S. I can't hear my feet
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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