Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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