you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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