im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
