Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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