Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
