Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You can't motorboat a personality
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
