dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
