No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
