Already got asked if we're dating
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
