Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
