Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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