i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
