Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
