You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
