You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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