How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
